Waiting for the Sun.

I am Marissa Clayton and today, I think I am ready to write about… this.
Its 5:22 am right now and I feel lost. I can’t bring myself to feel the same happiness and liveliness, I usually feel with every passing breath. It’s an awkward feeling. Just right now, I realize the value of a best friend, of someone whom you can talk to. I realize now. I am hurt, knowing that I don’t have a best friend, it sucks. Right now, I feel like, ‘I wish I had someone to share my feelings with’. I feel like, ‘I wish I had someone to tell that how lonely I feel at times’.
Yesterday, I saw a post on Facebook, two girls fighting over a stupid topic, though the argument was quite offensive, they both ended up smiling and chatting casually about their routine. They were best friends. Call me a privacy invader or stalker, if you may but the truth is… I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t have someone to fight all day long and then to say, ‘I love you, my friend. You mean the most to me’, that’s why I usually spend my day reading tweets and posts that mean nothing but nonsense.
I have to sleep so that I can enjoy my Sunday but I am afraid to let the sleep come. I am afraid that I’ll get lost in my sleep and my fears, my sorrows and my emptiness would haunt me. I know that I feel wrong right now but I can’t help but feel the comfort of my awareness. The comfort of being conscious, it’s like a pain-killer.
Pain… wow, a strong feeling, reminds me of… love, care and expectations. Such humanly feelings, I should feel them but I don’t. I try to feel them but whenever I look for something like care in my heart, I end up being lost in the emptiness of its depth. I end up feeling like I don’t care even when I want to. I can’t even bring myself to fake it.
I know you must be wondering that why is this girl talking all nonsense? This shit doesn’t even make sense but… It makes sense to me. I am the one who’s suffering from this. I am the one who’s afraid to let the world know about my feelings but today… Today, I think I am ready to let people know that there are many people who feel like this, who feel like they don’t fit in this world, who feel exhausted of being afraid and alone all the time but they can’t say a word because they are not ready and actually, the fact is, they have faked their happiness for so long that they actually believe it now, they actually believe it that they are happy but deep down inside, subconsciously, they know that they are lying to themselves. These people usually stay too long in the world of lies that eventually, their heart turns black; like a stone. A dead stone, which can’t feel anything.
All we need is to take risk and let someone in and help us heel but this can’t be done without great courage. It needs the courage to put our trusts on people but even now, when I write all of this, I am still not ready to let someone in. I am still not ready to get hurt all over again. I am still not ready to take a step ahead of my fear. The fear of rejection, the fear of realizing that I am not needed, the fear of realizing that I was never needed, that my existence is a mistake. Guess I am still a coward.
And the truth is…even right now when I write about all this stuff, somewhere inside my heart, I know or maybe I should say, I believe, that only I can help myself. I shouldn’t wait for someone to accept me. First, I should accept myself. I should accept myself completely and solemnly. Only I can heal what has been hurt; only I can bring back my happiness. Only I can bring myself to feel those strong energies like… love, care and pain.
Just now, I told an awesome so-called ‘friend’ that I am waiting for the Sun and then I will sleep. He laughed at me and told me to believe in God but… I don’t think I am good at it. I mean I am not an atheist but still, how can I feed myself with food when all I need is a drink of still water? Ironic,huh?
The thing is… I am not ready to get close to God or anyone. I am ready to give up my world of… emptiness but I still complain.
This is so messed up and honestly, I still don’t get my point.
And about the part where I mentioned Sun, I think I am afraid of the dark even when I know that deep down inside, I am also a possessor of darkness. I am not one of those who carry light in their hearts.
The Sun feels good though. It’s like someone has my back while I sleep for a while, which reminds me that the sun has risen now and I should lie down on my bed and try to sleep. I should try to escape the darkness as long as I can.
Until then… Sweet dreams.


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